My Spouse Wants to Foster: Guide to a Shared Path

Discovering that your spouse wants to foster a child can open a new chapter in your life together. Foster parenting is a path that invites both challenges and rewards. You'll hear about many foster care success stories. For a couple, foster parenting demands teamwork, flexibility, and a deep commitment to a child's well-being.

The foster care journey is not for every adult but a rewarding and life-changing experience for many. For children in foster care, having a nurturing family means the world. For a couple, it means more than a parenting role. Fostering with family members can strengthen your family bond and impact a child in the foster care system.

A place to start this discussion is to understand how the foster care system works and what it may require of you. Talk to a foster parent advocate and understand the child welfare system. You'll want to understand the role of foster care agencies as your guide and resource partners.

Child protective services identifies at-risk youth, including in cases of child abuse or neglect. Social workers seek to place youth in foster care in foster home care whenever possible. They tap a network of prospective foster or adoptive parents in their representation of children. They place children in homes with a family they believe to serve the interests of the child.

Once you learn more about adoption and foster care in the United States, you can determine the best path forward for your family.

Understand Time and Commitments 

Fostering isn't just about caring for a child or sibling group. It involves working with your foster child's support team, including with social services and your foster child's birth parents.

Think about your schedules and availability for the responsibilities and commitments that fostering requires. Foster parents have more responsibilities than just school, doctor's appointments, and social activities. They must also complete required paperwork, attend court hearings, and coordinate birth family visits.

Both partners must commit to becoming foster parents and taking on all the responsibilities. The main challenge is for both parents to share parenting duties, whether they work or stay at home. Your foster child's age and developmental level play a part in the time and care commitment you will have. Consider the difference between an infant and a high school teen.

To learn more, reach a child-placing agency and attend a foster parent orientation. There, you'll learn more about becoming a foster parent, and how to provide supportive care to foster children.

Keep Open Communication

Honest communication is the cornerstone of any successful foster parent journey. Openly discuss your expectations, goals, and limitations. Are you both willing to take this life-changing leap?

Listening is key to understanding each spouse's desires as foster parents and your needs from one another.

Flexibility is a requirement of any parenting role. Discuss your readiness and eagerness to assume the responsibilities and how they could impact your relationship and family dynamics.

Fostering can be a jumping-off point for growth as a couple and new foster parents. Practicing good learning skills will help you and your partner become better spouses to each other and better parents to your children. It has the potential to bring you closer even while you learn whether foster care or adoption is right for your family.

Navigate Fears and Uncertainty

When one spouse brings up foster care or adoption, it is common for the other to feel surprised or fearful of the unknown. This is a normal response, and you'll need time to think! Take that time to consider all sides and explore this possible path together.

Learn about foster care by reading books, researching online, or talking to local foster parents for information and guidance. CASA Volunteers and child-placing agency representatives can answer questions and share insights based on their experiences.

If your spouse feels a "calling" to become a foster parent and you don't, ask for patience and time to adjust to the idea. Learn more about fostering and other ways to support foster children and families in your community. Do your research and discover facts versus myths and misconceptions about foster care. Every fostering experience is unique, and understanding these differences can help shape your personal fostering journey.

ManagE Attachment 

Foster care is short-term care for children and support for families. The goal is to preserve or reunify families whenever possible. Attachment is a common concern for aspiring foster parents. Learning to handle emotions of attachment and loss is a crucial part of foster parent training.

As a foster parent, you provide a safe and nurturing environment for a child in the foster system. Every foster child and their situation is unique. As a foster parent, you may not know how long a child will stay with you. Sometimes, the plan for a child can change suddenly.

Many foster parents are surprised to learn how quickly they feel attached to their child or the sibling group they welcome into their home. This attachment can lead to sadness and grief when it's time to say goodbye. A benefit of having a loving spouse is having built-in support for whatever challenges and feelings you may have. Helping each other during the grieving process can even strengthen your relationship while fostering.

Consider that adoption might become a consideration. Sometimes, a foster child can't go back to their birth family and needs a forever home with an adoptive family. In such situations, foster advocates often ask foster parents if they want to adopt and become a forever family.  

Embrace Change

Fostering involves an adjustment period for even the most dedicated new parents. Expect a range of emotions and experiences, some challenging and others rewarding. Being flexible and supporting each other are essentials. Your partnership and shared experiences can become a source of strength and bonding.

Remember that you're never in this alone, no matter how fast the rollercoaster may feel. As spouses, you can count on each other and many foster parent support resources in your state and community. At the end of the day, it comes down to supporting each other, your foster child, and your family. Sometimes, you may need to take on more of your spouse's responsibility; some days, they may need to cover yours.

Final Thoughts

When your spouse thinks foster care is the right path for you, pause to process, learn, and discuss this life-changing decision together. Fostering allows you to grow your family and explore a new aspect of your relationship in a meaningful way.

Most foster families find the experience incredibly rewarding. However, it's not for everyone. Together, learn about fostering with your spouse, discuss your feelings, and consider the impact on your lives. Understanding the fostering process in your state is the first step toward making this significant and life-changing decision.

Fostering is a journey of growth, learning, and love. It can bring you and your spouse closer, enriching not only your lives but also those of the children who need care and support.