Fostering Teenagers: Trust is Key

In May, foster care teens get more attention because it's National Foster Care Awareness Month. However, teenagers in foster care have the most urgent need – year-round – of any age group of kids in the United States child welfare system. 7% of the children in foster care are less than one year old, and 24% are two years and under. They get more interest from foster parents offering home care than the 40% of foster kids aged 10-17 years.

Teenagers in the foster care system hold a special place in the hearts of parents who care for them. Teens in foster care face significant challenges, including disruptions at school that cause them to fall behind. Many are trying to handle the aftermath of trauma, including child abuse or neglect. They are aware that they will soon have to live on their own without family or social support services.

Every child in foster care needs a safe place to live and a parent they can count on. Teens urgently need foster homes in the nation's foster care programs. In the absence of a family willing to open their home to teens, foster care placement options are limited.

Many older foster children live in group care because there aren't enough foster families available for them. Every young adult who spends even a day in a foster group home has lessened odds of thriving afterward. Children in group homes have more emotional and behavioral problems compared to those in family-based care. They also have lower chances of receiving a good education and finding a long-term placement.

The solution? More foster parents who understand fostering teens and are willing to give them a chance. The path to helping teens is simple yet uniquely complex: gaining their trust.

Trust Taking Root

Foster parents of older kids and teens need to be ready to handle various emotions like sadness, anger, and pain. These sometimes manifest in behaviors like withdrawal, avoidance, or arguing. Foster teens may have trust issues and be adept at using tactics to push people away to remain alone.

Experienced foster care and adoptive parents suggest staying committed to building trust with teenagers in care. They report feeling honored when foster teens grow comfortable enough to let them in and share the reality of what they are dealing with.

It takes time. Working together with your teen grows easier as you establish mutual trust. Trust doesn't solve all the problems, but it moves the starting point further down the field.

With a foundation of trust, older kids and teens are more willing to listen and try to apply what they are learning. Foster parents find it incredibly rewarding to know their foster teens will leave them with life lessons and tools for their next chapters.

The impact made by a foster parent has a lasting impact on the future success of their foster kids. Life skills, including financial literacy, are particularly important for teenagers who will soon transition into adulthood on their own.

All Hail "the Unicorn" Kid

A term people sometimes use to describe their ideal foster children is "unicorn kids."

A term people sometimes use to describe their ideal foster child is "unicorn kid." What is a unicorn kid? Typically, this imagined child is quite young, without medical or behavioral challenges, and an easygoing delight to be around.

Finding a 'perfect' child to parent is an unreasonable standard. It is as rare as spotting a unicorn in the wild.

Little can fully prepare you for being a parent, no matter the child's age or unique circumstances. Biological, fostered, or adopted, the perfect child does not exist. Yet every foster child is in care through no fault of their own, making their way the best way they know how.

Two-Way Learnings with Foster Teens

Foster parents learn from their new relationships with foster youth, just as these young people learn from them. Prospective foster parents of teens can carry five important lessons into their new relationships:

Don't Give Up on Your Relationship

Foster teens are older kids who have lived for many years before knowing you existed. They may still have a relationship with their birth parents, and most have memories of their time with other foster parent figures. To expect these kids to form a fairytale relationship with their foster parents is somewhat unrealistic.

Teens in foster care have experienced the realm of healthy and unhealthy relationships, and all have experienced trauma. Foster parents must be ready to help these young people identify what behaviors create healthy relationships. Foster teens may need months or years to feel like they belong in your family. They will need time before they can trust you won't give up on them.

Offer Patience and Space

Be patient and have faith – your teenage foster kid owns their actions and feelings. As a parent, your role is to give them space and support to become a self-sufficient individual.

Teens in foster care have experienced physically or mentally abusive homes, neglectful parenting, multiple foster placements, or treatment facilities. Almost certainly, they feel a complete lack of control over their situation. Many are experiencing loss, along with some level of anxiety or depression. Some youth in foster care have symptoms of PTSD.

Teens who have experienced abuse or neglect often attempt to regain some sense of control. They may avoid meaningful conversations, show signs of disrespect, or even run away. These tendencies do not reflect on you as a person or foster parent.

Practice Self-Regulation

As foster parents, we have to avoid getting into power struggles. Teens often don't know how to self-regulate – or control their emotions – so need an adult to diffuse the situation. The best approach is to give a frustrated young person a place to calm down and then come back to resolve the issue.

Foster parents must regulate their emotions to support teens through their problems without taking their words or actions to heart. Keeping cool when emotions run hot means learning about our triggers. Foster parents receive training and support to self-regulate their emotions.

Fostering is often hard and almost always rewarding. The most critical aspect of understanding foster kids is that, like all humans, they want to belong. If your child is 16 or 6, they need a safe and dependable family they can count on.

Lean Into Your Support Team

Parenting is no small feat, regardless of the child's age. When you become a foster parent, a representative from your child-placing agency becomes part of your support team. They will be available to assist you, no matter the need.

Build your support team and resources around you, then call on them with questions or requests for help. Your agency representative is a great source of information, ongoing training, and referrals.

Whether or not you have a partnering parent at home, you may benefit from joining a foster parent support group in your state. Remember, your parenting team consists of medical and legal professionals, educators, and community members. You may be surprised that biological parents or primary caregivers may also be among co-parenting resources.

Know the High Stakes of Aging Out of Foster Care

When fostering teens, the stakes are high because the outcomes are closer.

Some teenagers "age out" of the foster care system without a family, high school diploma, or ongoing support. The statistics look dire for these foster youth trying to make their way without a foundation. When you consider fostering, think about the meaningful care and lasting impact you will have on a teen in need.

Support is Here When You're Ready

Excellent child-placing agency partners exist in every state. The best are responsive to your parenting goals and ready to meet new prospective foster families.

If you feel inspired to foster a teen, or at least learn more about fostering, take the next step. Consider the many ways you can support foster kids and families in your state.

Learn more about our Mission at FosterUSKids.