How to Connect with a Teenager in Foster Care

Close to 400,000 children are in the growing United States foster care system. Among all age groups, teens have a particularly tough time. Nearly 30% of youth in foster care programs are 13 years or older.
Foster home care often favors younger kids over teens. Without a family or foster parents to live with, social workers shift kids to wherever there is space. When the only option is a group home, the environment can make adolescence a more challenging time. However, continual moves around the system make it hard for teens to keep up with their high school workload and stay connected with friends.
High school years witness young adults transition into legal adults. Nearly 20% of foster kids are 15 years and older, on the brink of "aging out" of the foster care system. Foster kids who become adults encounter new challenges, including finding a job and a safe place to live. They often have to face these difficulties without a safety net.
The U.S. has a clear and persistent void to fill for foster care teenagers. The thought of fostering a teen may sound daunting. However, there are many ways to connect, build trust, and spend quality time with teenagers, even when time is short. As an adult who wants to help these often overlooked kids, you can help reset a positive life course for a foster teen.
Remember What Teens Go Through
Remember your own teen years? Many parents dread the "terrible teens," expecting arguments and broken boundaries. What causes this common teen phenomenon of arguing or lashing out?
Hormones do a job on our bodies and brains, leading to moodiness, anxiety, and to-be-developed decision-making. As growing kids, each of us goes through incredible changes: physical, psychological, and social. We adapt to new schools, changing schedules, and friends or romantic relationships. Today's teens are the first generation also experiencing the always-on influence of social media.
Any one of these can be a lot to manage. In totality, they amount to an onslaught. Pile on the trauma experienced by every foster child, and it is no wonder foster kids may feel abandoned and like no one cares.
Little kids tend to believe that parents know best, while teens are more likely to think they can figure things out for themselves. During the teen years, brains tend to shift from concrete to abstract thinking.
In simple terms, this means kids have their own independent ideas. When faced with how to approach something, kids may be quick to decide their ideas are better than their parents' ideas. Teen years can be tough for both parents and teenagers, but they are a normal and important part of growing up.
Understanding what teens are going through is the first step to creating supportive harmony.
Give Teens Control with Responsibility
In the best of circumstances, teens often become argumentative as they seek more control. Foster teens feel their lives spinning out of control, not knowing where or with whom they may live. They wonder what may have been if things were different, and what will happen to them in the future. These are scary thoughts for anyone and a reality for teens.
As foster parents, you don't have to hand over all control to your foster teen. However, teens need to feel involved in decisions that affect them and sometimes make their own choices. Talk with your foster teen about how you can give them more freedom while also maintaining boundaries that are important to you.
Having household and personal responsibilities can help teens feel more independent. This added self-sufficiency also builds character as young people gain new skills.
It may take trial and error for foster parents to learn when to be flexible and when to draw lines. Millions of parents have successfully raised and supported kids before you met your foster teen. Finding common ground and a peaceful way forward may not be as hard as some think.
Help Teens When They're in Need
Children in foster care go through lots of upheaval when they leave family members and enter foster care. Social services try to find the best care for children and youth in their foster network. Some need only short-term care, while others end up in foster care for the long term.
Foster youth frequently have to move to new homes and schools during their time in the system. This can make it difficult for them to keep up with their classmates and succeed in school. Teens in foster care are significantly less likely to graduate from high school. Since most jobs require a high school diploma, without one, your foster teen may struggle to find a job with a self-supporting income.
One of the most impactful actions foster parents can take is to show an interest in and support the education of foster teens. If you are unable to help them with all subjects of homework, work with teachers or look for public or private tutoring.
Striking a balance between school, life responsibilities, and social fun is also a foster parent challenge. Certain teenagers prefer to hang out with friends face-to-face, while others prefer to immerse themselves in the virtual world. Children must be free to choose their activities. However, parents need to emphasize time spent on priorities like studying, sleeping, and taking care of themselves.
Show Teens Love and Care
Psychologists know that attachment is important for creating strong emotional bonds between children and their caregivers. This attachment theory applies to all children and is especially important for those in foster care.
In health care terms, exactly why is "attachment" an essential need? Because this deep emotional bond with another human being makes children feel safe, comforted, and protected.
Kids in health and human services foster programs might not form strong connections with their birth parents or main caregivers. Without this bond of attachment, foster kids may show more behavioral problems or have difficulty forming future relationships.
As a foster parent, you become that dependable provider of love and care for your teenager. You may recall one special person in your own life who took an interest in you, even if for only a short time. The support, love, and care you show to stand in the corner of a foster kid can make a lasting difference in their lives.
Make Time for Teens
Even when parents recognize teens are dealing with a lot of turmoil, it's easy to feel baffled as to what triggers an episode. Foster teens being moody or arguing for what seems like the sake of arguing can be frustrating.
The simplest remedies can be the most effective: Ask your teen how their day is going. Ask how they are feeling. Ask them how you can provide assistance or support.
When foster parents have trouble connecting with their teenagers, the usual culprit is a lack of communication. Sometimes, your teen will not want to talk. However, it makes a difference knowing there is a standing offer they can call in when they need your time and attention.
Help Teens Cope with Trauma
Foster parents often discover they are the first loving caregivers their teen has had in a long while. When you foster a teen, you get to help guide a young person through an important and difficult period in their lives. Teens have precious little time to get their footing before they must make their own way in the world.
Foster parent training focuses on trauma-informed care. You can help teenagers by listening to what they say verbally and non-verbally. If they need professional support, help them find treatment, such as therapy or medication.
If you need support as a foster parent, reach out to experienced foster families or your child's caseworker. Sometimes, learning foster care success stories from others will help guide your way, as well. Departments of health and other social services can provide resources for continuing education and parenting skills classes, as well.
Perhaps the most important thing foster parents can do is to remain patient and understanding. A calm and stable environment will help teens cope with trauma triggers, even when they do not accept other support.
Give a Foster Teen a Chance
The need for foster parents who will support teens in foster care is clear and urgent. Consider becoming a foster parent to a teenager who may otherwise be left behind. Your support could be the turning point that helps this young person transition successfully into adulthood.
Being a foster or adoptive parent to a teenager is an admirable and rewarding journey. To learn more or take the next step, call a child-placing agency in your state today.