How to Build Trust With Foster or Adopted Children

6 Tips and 6 Strategies for Developing Trust and Building Bonds  

Parents need to build trust with their children, no matter whether they are biological, adopted, or foster kids. Foster advocates recognize the importance of trust between adults and kids in the United States foster care system. The system can take it only so far, starting with prospective foster parent interviews and background checks. However, the long-term work of building or rebuilding trust with young people in the system falls to their foster and adoptive parents.

Establishing trust and building bonds don't happen overnight. This is especially true for foster or adopted kids who have experienced abuse or neglect from their primary caregiver. Rather, it's an ongoing process that requires patience, understanding, and consistency.

We've collected ideas to get you started in the process of building trust. Part 1 guides you through six trust-building tips, and Part 2 takes you through strategies recommended by Dr. Karyn Purvis:

Part 1:

6 Tips for Building Trust with Your Foster Child

All parents, including foster and adoptive parents, must have a foundational level of trust with their children. The trust-building process requires patient and consistent communication for kids in the foster care system. With time, they can grow to believe you are a dependable adult who will keep them safe and stand by them.

#1 Follow Through  

Consistently following through on what you say tells your foster child they can believe you. Even the tiniest details convey that you pay attention to them and put their requirements first. This could simply mean picking your child's favorite snacks at the grocery store or taking them to the park after you make that promise.

#2 Communicate

Never underestimate the power of communication. As a parent, you'll have to explain when you give a consequence and guide your child through both good and challenging times. If you listen and talk to your child, they'll learn to believe that you find their thoughts and opinions are important.

Communicating also provides kids with the opportunity to develop emotional intelligence. Attentive and thoughtful two-way dialogues show your child their voice matters. They matter.

#3 Know Your Child 

As you get to know your child, the time you invest to learn about them says you care. Talk to them and watch what kinds of things they like or dislike. Learn and support their hobbies and interests, even if they differ from yours. Getting to know your child demonstrates your commitment to helping them feel valued and successful.

#4 Adjust Your Expectations 

On the surface, it may not sound reasonable to say that lowering your expectations is a good thing. However, adjusting your expectations this way allows you to accept your child just as they are. Regardless of their behavior, disposition, or range of emotion, you can accept your child without judgment.

When you first bring your child home, you may go through a 'honeymoon' phase. As your child begins to feel comfortable and safe, they'll let their guard down. It might not always seem that way, but when your child feels safe and shows their less contained, messier side, it's a sign of growth!

Maintaining your cool and remaining calm in the face of chaos tells your child they don't have to worry. When children experience acceptance as their genuine selves, they can start developing trusting relationships.

#5 Set Routines 

Establishing consistent routines creates a secure environment, no matter your child's age. Foster children often come from unsupervised or chaotic home environments with birth parents. Foster kids who lack trust will frequently struggle with anxiety, keeping focus, and maintaining calm. Creating a structured, stable, and safe environment signals your child's nervous system that they are in a safe place.

#6 Trust Your Child 

Trust is not a one-way street; it requires reciprocity. While earning trust, parents must also give trust back to their children. This means giving them the freedom to make their own choices, decisions, and even mistakes.

Trust empowers children and helps them develop autonomy and self-confidence. It also fosters open communication between parents and children, allowing for honest, meaningful conversations.

Part 2:

6 Strategies for Building Trust with Your Foster Child

Dr. Karyn Purvis is the author of ​The Connected Child. She created a process called Trust-based Relational Intervention (TBRI)​. Dr. Purvis offers these six simple strategies for building trust with your child: 

#1 Meet Your Child's Needs ​

The best way to determine what your child needs is to ask them. You must first understand their needs before you can consistently work to meet them.

Every child has unique needs, and it is the responsibility of their parents to identify and fulfill them. These include keeping your child safe and happy, taking care of their physical and mental health, and helping them grow and learn.

#2 Say Yes

Dr. Purvis recommends saying 'Yes' 7 times for every 1 time you say 'No.'

When parents say 'no,' it's best to provide an explanation and make anything that must be a 'no' count for good reason. Simply put, make your automatic answer 'yes,' so your child learns the autonomy of both good and bad choices. Every 'yes' builds trust, so work to say 'yes' more often than you say 'no.'

#3 Make Eye Contact 

'Eyes are the window to the soul,' as the saying goes. Making and holding eye contact is a non-verbal communication that builds connections.

When you gaze into your child's eyes, you are inviting them to establish a deeper connection with you. This connection goes beyond mere verbal communication. When two people hold eye contact, it creates mutual trust.

#4 Touch  

When people touch with affection, the result is a feeling of safety. Frequent, affectionate touch communicates trust and safety. However, literal touching may not be comfortable for every foster or adoptive child. Wait until a foster child comes to you, or as Dr. Purvis recommends, use "symbolic touch."

This figurative touch involves showing love and support to your child without touching them physically. This could take the form of a gesture, like reaching out. Take it slow, and before you take the next step, it's a good idea to ask your child for permission first.

#5 Mirror Their Behavior

Mirroring – reflecting your child's actions – fosters relationships and confidence. Examples include laughing when they do, smiling back at them, and participating in their games. When we mirror someone's behavior, without speaking a word, we tell them we see and are with them.

#6 Follow Your Child

Encourage your child to take the lead in picking your activity, then give them your undivided attention. When children have the chance to take the lead in play with others, it helps them develop a healthy sense of self.

For a set period, be the follower and let your child lead the way. Instead of a leader, be their team member. You'll find that letting your child take control forms bonds of attachment and trust between your child and you as their caregiver. 

Final Thoughts on Developing Trust

Understanding your child's behaviors involves being attentive to their actions and reactions. It means paying attention to their body language, facial expressions, and verbal cues. To establish trust, parents must make a conscious effort to understand their children's behaviors and needs. This involves actively listening to them, observing their actions, and empathizing with their emotions.

Above all, children in foster care need a dependable family they can count on. Creating a trusting relationship with your foster child isn't always easy. However, by consistently using these tips and strategies, you can earn their trust while giving yours to them.

Building a loving bond and strong relationship will earn mutual trust between children, parents, and family members.

To learn about building trust with teens or fostering young kids, check our blogs for these topics and more.